An Introduction to the World

Saturday, October 05, 2002

I took the quiz. Obviously. And I liked the results so...I posted. Don't get used to it. *grins*

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 11:30 PM

i tend to speak in riddles, and getting a straight answer out of me is indeed a notable moment. while i may act a little crazy, i am actually quite lucid and tend to be the voice of reason. my sanity is in a good balance with my insanity.

target="new" title="we're all mad here">how mad are you?

this quiz was made by href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/piksy" title="cracked but sweet" target="new">piksy

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 11:28 PM

Thursday, October 03, 2002

From the "Skippy" Page - 213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do in the USArmy {edited} -

Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

Not allowed to play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.

Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.

Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time.

Not allowed to join the communist party.

Not allowed to join any militia.

Not allowed to form any militia.

Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!'

Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.

God may not contradict any of my orders.

May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.

Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.

Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's

Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).

The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.

Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.

Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

(Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood'.

Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'.

Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

I am not the atheist chaplain.

I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.

An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not* involve fruit.

An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical tape.

The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'

The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.

There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.

I may not line my helmet with tin foil to ‘Block out the space mind control lasers'.

May not pretend to be a facist stormtrooper, while on duty.

I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.

No military functions are to be performed ‘Skyclad'.

Woad is not camouflage makeup.

May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command

The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."

I may not call block my chain of command.

Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.

May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance

Must not use military vehicles to ‘Squish' things.

May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the ‘field of honor'.

If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.

Nerve gas is not funny.

Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

‘Redneck Zombies' is not a military training aid.

The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not ‘Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.'

A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.

Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.

I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.

Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".

My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.

Vodka, green food coloring, and a ‘Cool Mint’ Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.

I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.

Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.

Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.

There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from ‘Full Monty’ every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".

I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.

I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.

Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.

Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.

I cannot arrest children for being rude.

I should not use government resources to ‘waterproof’ dirty magazines.

Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.

I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.

Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

‘No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages’ does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.

‘I’m drunk’ is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.

The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.

The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.

The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.

An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.

Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.

Even if my commander did it.

Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.

Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove ‘The Pen is Mightier than the sword’.

'K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free' is not an authorized uniform.

I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

Putting red 'Mike and Ike's' ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.

The proper way to report to my Commander is 'Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir' not 'You can't prove a thing!'

The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.

Shouldn't treat 'piss-bottles' with extra-strength icy hot.

I will no longer perform 'lap-dances' while in uniform.

If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.

The revolution is not now.

When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.

No part of the military uniform is edible.

There is no such thing as a were-virgin.

No, the pants are not optional.

Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.

Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

Not even if they *are* 'especially patriotic films'

'A full magazine and some privacy' is not the way to help a potential suicide

We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'.

Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.

My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®

When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something 'I saw in a cartoon'.

My name is not a killing word.

I am not the Emperor of anything.

Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.

May not challenge officers to 'Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn'.

Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.

Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

The proper response to a briefing is not 'That's what you think'.

The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.

Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.

Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.

I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I am' until verse 68 ever again.

I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.

My chain of command is not interested in why I 'just happen' to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.

Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.

Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.

'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.

NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."

Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")

Not allowed to get shot.

Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 9:40 PM

Monday, September 30, 2002

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny yet measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. The tallest ones, anyway.

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 10:26 PM

2nd Law of Thermodynamics: Chaos will Reign

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 10:19 PM

A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 10:03 PM

A much wittier line came to mind immediately after I clicked the 'Post & Publish' button

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 9:56 PM

Spam of the future: "For temporary relief of nymphomania reply to this email."

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 9:55 PM

Lord and Lady, but I'm a geek. Nerdy geek? Geeky nerd? Everything but the pocket protector and the cokebottle glasses. I think some of these are so frickin' funny...you guy's will probably just stare at me and wonder what I'm on.

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 9:51 PM

No trees were killed in the creation of this blog. However, many electrons were terrible inconvenienced.

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 9:44 PM

Calculating in binary code is as easy as 01,10,11.

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 9:43 PM

Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 9:41 PM

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. - Rich Cook

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 9:31 PM

Behind every good computer -- is a jumble of wires 'n stuff.

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 9:30 PM

Let's face the obvious. Yesterday we were nerds. Today we're the cognitive elite. Let's conquer. - Chester G. Edwards

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 9:24 PM

The three most dangerous things are a programmer with a soldering iron, a manager who codes, and a user who gets ideas.

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 9:24 PM

RTFM: No just an acronym, it's the LAW!

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 9:23 PM

Software isn't released, it's allowed to escape.

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 9:22 PM

665.9238429876 - Number of the Pentium Beast

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 9:21 PM

FATAL ERROR! SYSTEM HALTED! - Press any key to do nothing...

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 9:18 PM

The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!!'.

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 9:16 PM

Error: Sector not found -- search behind couch? (Y/N)

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 9:12 PM

Sleep: A completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 8:51 PM

An Introduction to the World

Web-Home of Parvastur Tultema, Tecilquar of the Spring-fed Field, Lover of Nature, Smiter of Idiots, Watch-Warden of the Squirrels of Inconvenience, Nazi of the Grocery, Wielder of Sword of Bronze and Emerald, Inciter of Bunnies, and Wereslut of a Thousand Forms.

Much more subtlety like that, and I'm going to have to become a used car salesman just to maintain my self-respect.

Being able to fly would be cool, but only if I could fly fast. Flying slow is floating, and that's just creepy.

Look, Lemmings -- a Cliff!

Proper Nouns

Message Machine

Fun Things