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Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Published February 02, 2005
FIFTY WAYS TO TELL YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE
By Christopher O'Connor

It's official, you're an asshole if:

1. You like John Mayer.

2. You pop your collar (bonus points if you're a guy and the shirt is pink).

3. You take the Joey from Carmichael to the campus center even when it is warm out.

4. You're a Yankees fan.

5. At parties you pretend that you are more drunk than you really are to seem "cool."

6. You're that guy/girl.

7. You're majoring in a dead language.

8. You buy pre-torn jeans or you bought a baseball hat and intentionally frayed the brim.

9. You wear glasses and don't have a prescription.

10. You wear sun glasses inside or at night (exceptions will be made only for 80s pop sensation Corey Hart).

11. You wear a matching brown trench coat and fedora around campus.

12. You wear pants with writing across the ass.

13. You cannot think of anything to do with your free time that does not involve drinking.

14. You take "The Lord of the Rings" a little too seriously.

15. You get to class five minutes early just to chat up the teacher, then stay five minutes after to do the same. You do this in every single class that you take.

16. You answer every question in class - including the rhetorical ones.

17. You use the word 'summer' as a verb.

18. You drive a Hummer.

19. You think the Matrix actually exists.

20. If you have a mullet, you are awesome.

21. You refer to yourself in the third person (bonus points if you also use the royal we).

22. You like Paris Hilton.

23. You try to join a cappella groups to get chicks.

24. In your interactions with people, you tend to rely solely (or at least mainly) on your knowledge of movie and television quotes.

25. You use emoticons (bonus points if you use emoticons other than the defaults).

26. You use The Facebook for more than one hour a day.

27. You talk loudly on your cell phone in really obnoxious places.

28. Every person on your cell phone has a different ring associated with them.

29. You are a blonde girl from Connecticut.

30. You base your popularity on how many friends you have on The Facebook.

31. You express deep personal statements in your AIM profile.

32. You wear Uggs in the summer.

33. ...Or, if you wear Uggs at all.

34. You use AIM expressions in normal conversations, i.e. lol or brb.

35. You wear tiny skirts when the temperature is below zero.

36. When you get drunk, you resort to slapping and hand signals for communication.

37. You're the one in your group of friends that always ends up cross-dressing for parties.

38. You've heard people refer to you with the word 'sketchy' as a prefix to your name.

39. You change your away message more than three times in five minutes.

40. You travel to parties in groups of fifteen.

41. You wear jeans without butt pockets.

42. You're an RA and you hit on your residents.

43. You've puked in someone else's bed.

44. You ran the naked quad run with your underwear on.

45. You listen to emo or pop-punk and think you're hard.

46. When you talk on AIM, you type out your actions, i.e. *shrug* (bonus points if you follow such a comment with something along the lines of ROTFL).

47. You constantly bug your friends to write Viewpoints for the Daily.

48. Your voice raises a few octaves when you greet people.

49. You took this column seriously and got offended.

50. You spent a week writing a column about how everyone around you is an asshole.

-

© 2005 The Tufts Daily

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 8:09 PM

Web-Home of Parvastur Tultema, Tecilquar of the Spring-fed Field, Lover of Nature, Smiter of Idiots, Watch-Warden of the Squirrels of Inconvenience, Nazi of the Grocery, Wielder of Sword of Bronze and Emerald, Inciter of Bunnies, and Wereslut of a Thousand Forms.

Much more subtlety like that, and I'm going to have to become a used car salesman just to maintain my self-respect.

Being able to fly would be cool, but only if I could fly fast. Flying slow is floating, and that's just creepy.

Look, Lemmings -- a Cliff!

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