An Introduction to the World

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

Muwah-haha.

I've just come back from my aunt's house. We had fun. She called this evening and took me out to celebrate her triumph of getting her students interested in her classes. We had Indian food - some of it is really, really good - and went for a movie or two. She was looking for one in specific and I had a couple in mind. Since Clerks was out...we watched Donnie Darko.

She still has questions. ^^ But that's okay. So do I - it's not an easy movie.

That;s what makes it so good. :purr:

Mmm. Maybe more later.

PS - Hey Donna. It's "A Mighty Wind".

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 11:11 PM

Sunday, August 17, 2003

Murphy's Laws of Computing

* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

* When the going gets tough, upgrade.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite
malfunction.

* To err is human . . . To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

* If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

* The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members.

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 11:56 PM

Take this test and find out! How many of these apply to you?

1. I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to cheer myself up.
2. I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day.
3. I read rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters.
4. I have sometimes read early in the morning or before work.
5. I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter without being seen.
6. Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order to read novels.
7. Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as the characters speak.
8. I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a book nearby.
9. At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read.
10. Reading has made me seek haunts and companions which I would otherwise avoid.
11. I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I have finished a novel.
12. I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead.
13. I have attempted to check out more library books than permitted.
14. Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
15. I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy reading.
16. I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of reading.
17. I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something I read.
18. I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
19. Sometimes I think my reading is out of control.

If you answered 'yes' to four or more of these questions, you may be a literature abuser. Affirmative responses to seven or more indicates a serious problem.

Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse, or LA, has risen to new levels due to the accessibility of higher education and increased college enrollment since the end of the econd World War. The number of literature abusers is currently at record levels.

SOCIAL COSTS OF LITERARY ABUSE

Abusers become withdrawn, uninterested in society or normal relationships. They fantasize, creating alternative worlds to occupy, to the neglect of friends and family. In severe cases they develop bad posture from reading in awkward positions or carrying heavy book bags. In the worst instances, they become cranky reference librarians in small towns.

Excessive reading during pregnancy is perhaps the number one cause of moral deformity among the children of English professors, teachers of English and creative writing. Known as
Fetal Fiction Syndrome, this disease also leaves its victims prone to a lifetime of nearsightedness, daydreaming and emotional instability.

HEREDITY

Recent Harvard studies have established that heredity plays a considerable role in determining whether a person will become an abuser of literature. Most abusers have at least one parent who abused literature, often beginning at an early age and progressing into adulthood. Many spouses of an abuser become abusers themselves.

OTHER PREDISPOSING FACTORS

Fathers or mothers who are English teachers, professors, or heavy fiction readers; parents who do not encourage children to play games, participate in healthy sports, or watch
television in the evening.

PREVENTION

Pre-marital screening and counseling, referral to adoption agencies in order to break the chain of abuse. English teachers in particular should seek partners active in other fields. Children should be encouraged to seek physical activity and to avoid isolation and morbid introspection.

DECLINE AND FALL: THE ENGLISH MAJOR

Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the lowest circle belongs to those sufferers who have thrown their lives and hopes away to study literature in our colleges. Parents
should look for signs that their children are taking the wrong path--don't expect your teenager to approach you and say, "I can't stop reading Spenser." By the time you visit her dorm room and find the secret stash of the Paris Review, it may already be too late.

What to do if you suspect your child is becoming an English major:

1. Talk to your child in a loving way. Show your concern. Let her know you won't abandon her--but that you aren't spending a hundred grand to put her through Stanford so she can clerk at Waldenbooks, either. But remember that she may not be able to make a decision without help; perhaps she has just finished Madame Bovary and is dying of arsenic poisoning.

2. Face the issue: Tell her what you know, and how: "I found this book in your purse. How long has this been going on?" Ask the hard question--Who is this Count Vronsky?

3. Show her another way. Move the television set into her room. Introduce her to frat boys.
4. Do what you have to do. Tear up her library card. Make her stop signing her letters as 'Emma.' Force her to take a math class, or minor in Spanish. Transfer her to a Florida college.

You may be dealing with a life-threatening problem if one or more of the following applies:

* She can tell you how and when Thomas Chatterton died.
* She names one or more of her cats after a Romantic poet.
* Next to her bed is a picture of: Lord Byron, Virginia Woolf, Faulkner or any scene from the Lake District.

Most important, remember, you are not alone. To seek help for yourself or someone you love, contact the nearest chapter of the American Literature Abuse Society, or look under ALAS in your telephone directory.

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 11:38 PM

More Bumper Stickers

* If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
* You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
* The Earth Is Full - Go Home
* I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
* This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
* Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
* If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
* The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
* Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
* Honk If Anything Falls Off
* Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes
* He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
* I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
* You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
* I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
* It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
* I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
* If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over..[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
* Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
* If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
* Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
* Boldly Going Nowhere
* Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
* Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 10:43 PM

What My Mother Taught Me

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC -

"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, just in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -

"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -

"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -

"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -

"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -

"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -

"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -

"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 10:13 PM

Things To Do When I'm The Vampire

The formal attire with cape will be reserved for special occasions. Jeans and a t-shirt will be fine for everyday wear as they are less noticeable.

There will be no windows, doors, elevator shafts or air vents accessing my Hidden Lair that have any sort of access to the outside and which sunlight can be directed down using mirrors.

I will spend no more than 10 years in any one location and when I move it will be somewhere distant. I will not return to a previous home for a minimum of 80 years. Anyone who previously knew me will either be dead or senile.

I will be a strict atheist, so the hero will be forced to use a copy of "The Skeptical Inquirer" or "Das Kapital" rather than a Bible, delaying him considerably.

I will make lots of long term investments.

All concubines will save the loose, transparent flowing silk dresses for special occasions. I'm a modern sort of guy so I like a woman in leather and Kevlar, which provides more protection so she lasts longer in a fight.

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 10:08 PM

Signs You've Had Too Much of the 90's

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

5. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

9. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.

10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

11. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.

12. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

14. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.

15. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

16. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

17. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

18. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

19. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

20. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

21. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

22. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 9:50 PM

Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 9:47 PM

For those tired of the usual "friend" poems, a touch of reality.

When you are sad,............. I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue,.......... I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.

When you smile,............ I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared,......... I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried,......... I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused,........ I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick. Stay away from me until you're well again, I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall...... I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath............... I pledge till the end.

Why you may ask?........ Because you're my friend.

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 9:38 PM

Ah, Coca-Cola. Not only is it tasty; Its useful too!

1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl... Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.

4. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

5. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

6. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away corrosion.

7. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

9. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.

10. To carry Coca Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous Material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive materials.

11. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 9:32 PM

How to survive a horror movie:

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.

2. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, that was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

3. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

4. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

5. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

7. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

8. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

9. Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knifes in one of those wooden block thingies on your worksurface.

10. When you're searching a house because you think there's something dangerous there, for God's sake turn the damn lights on!

11. Never back out of one room into another without looking. It's always behind you.

12. Never, ever, ever turn off the paved road onto a gravel or dirt road.

13. Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery so it will start immediately in times of crisis
.
14. Never say that you'll be right back because you won't.

15. If anything other than water (blood, thick goo of any color) comes out of a faucet, do not call a plumber. Leave the house immediately.

16. If, looking in a mirror, you see a figure behind you that you don't see upon turning around, you see a different room than the one you are in, you see a figure other than yourself looking back, or your reflection tells you to get out before it is too late, proceed to the nearest exit with all speed.

17. If you open a door and the room you see is not the room that should be there, do not explore it. In fact, even if you close the door and see the correct room after re-opening it, vacate the house.

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 9:09 PM

From a mailing list 'Randy's Random'

---

Military Homilies

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit" -- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy" -- Instruction printed on US rocket launcher

When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.

If the enemy is in range, so are you.

It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.

Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.

Tracers work both ways.

Five second fuses only last three seconds.

Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.

Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.

If your attack is going too well, you may have walked into an ambush.

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . once.

Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 8:55 PM

{more Email cleaning...} You Might be a Redneck Pagan If...

If any part of your invocation of the South Quarter includes any lines from any song by Lynard Skynard....

If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb.....

If part of your rite includes throwing shotgun shells on the fire....

If the bell on your alter was ever worn by an animal in a pasture....

If the cakes and wine are done with a bowie-knife, a can of Foster's, and a Little Debbie.....

If they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt contest....

If when your priestess says "Blessed Be" in circle, you respond with "YEEE-HAW!"...

If you believe a pentagram is a Western Union message to 5 people....

If you bought your chalice at the Piggly Wiggly.....

If you buy your incense and candles at Wal-Mart....

If you call the God and Goddess by hollerin' "Hey, y'all! Watch me!"....

If you call the North Quarter, but what you call it is an inner court secret.....

If you can play the "Burning Times" on the banjo....

If you carry your ritual sword in your pickup's gun rack.....

If you found out your familiar is an oppossum -- and still ate it........

If you have combined Maypole Dancing/ Tractor Pull/Turkey Shoot for Beltane....

If you have cast a love spell on livestock....

If you have ever called the National Enquirer because you raised a potato that resembled the Willendorf Goddess....

If you've ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV....

If you've ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu.....

If you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg.....

If you invoke the spirits so that your beer lasts longer.....

If you pray nightly to the god of big tires.....

If you sacrifice BBQ and pork rinds on an alter made of old car hoods....

If you shoot guns into the air when the priestess says, "the circle is open but never unbroken"...

If you smoke Salem cigarettes for the historical significance....

If you think a "family tradition" is a dating club....

If you think the Wiccan Rede is good for making twig furniture....

If you worship the gods of cheap beer and Nascar....

If you've ever done a candle spell for your local high-school football team....

If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed whacker.....

If you've ever meditated to "Dueling Banjos".....

If you've reached the 3rd Degree but not the third grade......

If your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley.....

If your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom......

If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod.....

If your altar cloth is a Confederate flag.....

If your altar cloth is vinyl......

If your altar cloth says "Holiday Inn" or "Howard Johnson's"....

If your altar has a spit cup.....

If your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the "Hollywood Walk of Fame".....

If your annointing oil smells like Old Spice.....

If your athame is by Bowie.....

If your broom has 4 wheel drive and SC plates.....

If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it....

If your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube-top.....

If your circle dance contains the words "dosey-do"......

If your circle dance is a two-step....

If your coven chose its High Priest at a belching contest....

If your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are "Cooter" and "Sweet Cheeks"....

If your coven-stead is propped up on cinder blocks.....

If your craft name starts with "Bubba"......

If your familiar can point quail....

If your familiar keeps mice out of the granary.....

If your favorite Great Rite partner is your first, second, and third cousin....

If your backyard ritual libation is brewed in an illegal backyard still......

If your favorite painting of the Goddess does her hair like Rheba McEntire....

If your maiden sweeps the circle with a weed whacker....

If your most sacred altar items include a hubcap, a velvet painting, and a half-empty can of chaw.....

If your outdoor circle has defunct washing machines for quarter altars....

If your pantheon includes Yukon Jack, Jim Beam and the St. Pauli Girl...

If your ritual music has ever included Johnny Cash singing "Ring of Fire"....

If your robes are made out of denim with Harley Davidson patches.....

Well, you might just be a redneck pagan!!

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 8:47 PM

Digging out one of my Email boxes - I ran across this. It's pretty old, but I still got a kick out of it.

Bumper Stickers we would all like to see {Or have...}

*He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

*Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

*A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

*On the other hand, you have different fingers.

*Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

*I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

*When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

*Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

*Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

*I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe

*He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

*You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against
you.

*I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

*Honk if you love peace and quiet.

*Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

*Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

*It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

*Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

*The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

*It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

*You can't have everything, where would you put it?

*Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

*The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

*A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

*It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

*Everybody lies but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

*I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

*I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

*Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 8:33 PM

An Introduction to the World

Web-Home of Parvastur Tultema, Tecilquar of the Spring-fed Field, Lover of Nature, Smiter of Idiots, Watch-Warden of the Squirrels of Inconvenience, Nazi of the Grocery, Wielder of Sword of Bronze and Emerald, Inciter of Bunnies, and Wereslut of a Thousand Forms.

Much more subtlety like that, and I'm going to have to become a used car salesman just to maintain my self-respect.

Being able to fly would be cool, but only if I could fly fast. Flying slow is floating, and that's just creepy.

Look, Lemmings -- a Cliff!

Proper Nouns

Message Machine

Fun Things