An Introduction to the World

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

Sorry folks - nothing happy today. Introspective Tema. Consider yourselves warned now.

Okay. So.

You've read about "Boy". I've talked to some of you about "Boy". I'm still trying to figure out what to do.

Y'see. I like him. As a friend. He's great to be around when we're out and about. Most of the time.

I mean, we talk about nothing; go to and make fun of movies - sometimes while we're in the theater. We both talk back to the radio, we watch the tourists at Bass Pro. It's fun.

But...I don't like to go to far out of the town/city/whatever. Driving around is fine. Best in daylight where I can see shit. Or well-lit. Curvy country backroads at 80 mph at 10:30 I don't like. I like to see different things - different towns and hells, I know where Galena is now. Not something necessary, granted, but a good tidbit of knowlege anyway. I know something of my way around

He doesn't understand that I like BeccaMum, Deano, Mum and Rick - even if they 'believe in faries and ghosts'. Hells, I believe in fareies and ghosts. There's gotta be some explanation for some of the shit I've seen. I don't mind whatever he belives. But if he's going to rag on my friends and family... I don't like that.

We argue. Normally this isn't so bad - but it's always about the same things.

Robyn, me not giving him what he needs and sex.

Okay - sex could fall under 'what he needs'. But it's usually a different argument that sort of dovetails into it.

All right - For the first argument -

Apparently, I spend all my time with Hope online, never giving him _any_ time. Last I checked, I spent a couple hours chatting and ficcing, then went back to him. I give him all day and I want sometime to myself - I just choose to spend it with Hope. I like Hope, she's a part of my life. A couple hours isn't too much to ask, is it?

Second - I've never gone to meet his family. I didn't go down to the llake with him. I've never went out to the 'farm' with him. It took Mom a basic 'kidnapping' - "hey, let's go get groceries, but first we're going over to a friend of mine's" - to get me to go over to MJs and Becca's, then to Rick's. Hope almost had to drag me out of my cozy - if messy - apartment the last time she kidnapped me. I was almost going to cancel on the time he and I went up to 'Faire. I'm wary of meeting people I don't know where they outnumber me. At Hope's I knew three people and that was okay. I didn't mind that, and I hd things to talk about when I wanted to talk - not having people prying at me.

Third. Sex. Crap, sex. Sex, sex, sex.

I've had boy-sex. I remember my first time - heh. That was funny, looking back. Almost onthe sunday school bus at church while everyone was in the 'classes', getting caught and sneaking to the closed section of the AC/Heater/whatever it was. It was outside, few people ever went there and it was hidden. ^^ It was...well, it was sex. My first time :shrug: Explain it better than that. Nothing earthshaking, but I liked the guy I was with and said why the hell not. There were a couple other times too - with that boy and a couple others.

I've tried sex with "Boy". It didn't happen. Sure, we did all the basic stuff, but each time I had a panic attack, or I just couldn't do it for one reason or another. It was so...uncomfortable even before he tried the usual 'tab a into slot b' shit. So I'm being vague, deal. My Blog, piss off if you don't like it. Meh - Another thing - if I do want it, he's suddenly humping my leg like a damned DOG! and that really just pisses me off - and turns me off. Or if I want to be held, the first place his hands go are my breasts!

I tried calming down. Hasn't helped. I've tried and I've tried...he's just not happy.

And I really don't want to get pregnant. Shit, no.

He says he's thinking of spending the rest of his life with me. That - quite frankly - frightens the hell out of me. I'm 21. Granted, I'm a legal adult...but I'm still living with my Mom. I'm still under her rules. I'm happy.

I don't want to think about Marriage. I don't want to think about kids. I don't want a white picket fence.

I want to figure out who I am. What all I like. I want make new friends - guy and girl - and reconnect with the one's I've lost touch with. I want to walk in the cemetaries and take my time looking at headstones and leave when I feel like it. I want to go into Hot Topic, Wet Seal and the Limited Leather and just browse. I want to go into JC Penny, Dillards and just mallrat. And Leave when I want to. I want to go to Caveman and B&N and just sit and read and drink coffee and look at all the magazines. I want to go to Best Buy and Circut City and go museums. I want to act goofy. I want to fancy-dress for no reason other than I can. I want to spend time with my sister online or off. I want to go to the RenFaire's - find old books in cramped bookstores, wander around looking at buildings, swim in public fountains with all my clothes on, talk to total strangers...

Without getting weird looks from the guy who is supposed to be on my side. Without having him peacock and act all macho when I meet a gay friend of mine, or a guy I know.

I dunno. I wish I did.

Hopefully I'll figure something out.

Gods.

.:.Uniquely maladjusted... But fun.:. 7:03 PM

Web-Home of Parvastur Tultema, Tecilquar of the Spring-fed Field, Lover of Nature, Smiter of Idiots, Watch-Warden of the Squirrels of Inconvenience, Nazi of the Grocery, Wielder of Sword of Bronze and Emerald, Inciter of Bunnies, and Wereslut of a Thousand Forms.

Much more subtlety like that, and I'm going to have to become a used car salesman just to maintain my self-respect.

Being able to fly would be cool, but only if I could fly fast. Flying slow is floating, and that's just creepy.

Look, Lemmings -- a Cliff!

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